We all do stupid stuff when we’re young, I certainly did! So here’s a light hearted look at the warnings I’d give my kid self!
1. Make more effort at school, your crush on that fit lad in year 11 might seem like the most important thing but honestly get on with some bloody work and stop doodling hearts with your names in and that thing where you work out how much percentage you love them (remember that?) is bollocks.
2. The above crush turns out to be a complete knobhead, as do most of the boys at school especially the ones who really believe they’re in East 17! Its really NOT alright!
3. Don’t wear your denim shirt and blue jeans on Saturday 7th August to go into town with your 2 besties. They WILL be wearing the same outfit and you WILL die of shame!
4. Watch out for that lad sticking his foot out and tripping you up when you’re 14 leading you to break your wrist. Bastard. Then getting back to school to find 2 other girls in your year have done it too (you can’t make this stuff up) it’s embarrassing and your crush is far too cool to sign your cast & you end up with stuff like “Julie loves Mr Jones 4eva” instead. Mr Jones is 102 and hates you. He will later send you out of class for spraying yourself with Impulse.
5. Don’t nag your Mum to buy you jeans for months when you’re 11, she WILL buy you crap ones off the market with Ghostbusters transfers on the thighs. You WILL get caught with the turps trying to get them off.
6. Don’t go round your street picking up all dog crap with your mate thinking it will get you a brownie badge. Brown Owl will NOT be amused!
7. Don’t hang a handbag on your wardrobe door and then pretend to play tug of war. The damn wardrobe WILL fall on top of you and Mum will screech at you like a banshee for being so bloody stupid (after rescuing you).
8. Those life size dolls that Dad bought you aren’t really alive and won’t kill you if you don’t shut them in the airing cupboard at night – although maybe it WAS because you shut them in the cupboard…creepy little shits.
9. Don’t play blind mans bluff with your brother with a dolls dress on your head.The git will tell you you’re walking into the bedroom when actually you’re about to go headfirst down the stairs!
Sweet – til he tried to kill me!!!
10. Don’t get up to pass Dad the remote (lazy old sod) when he’s watching A-Team in the dark. You will fall over and smash your eye on the coffee table and have a scar for life. Oh and don’t scream so much they give up trying and stick some butterfly stitches on it instead of proper ones which means it looks shit. You big girl’s blouse!!!
You can read the 2nd one here if you want to see how accident prone I was too!
What would you tell yourself if you could?