Various Vacant Valentine’s

Having chatted to my son’s girlfriends Mum (stay with me) and her telling me how lovely my son is to her daughter as her first boyfriend made me think about the types of boyfriend I’ve had in the past. It didn’t all go well for me (although I am happy now) as I’m sure it didn’t for many others…

Mr First Love

The one who broke your heart for the first time. The one that made you cry snotty tears on your Dad’s shoulder for weeks til he got fed up and told you to stop bloody whinging or he’d go round and kick his scrawny little arse. You cried every time you heard sad songs on the radio and he’s the one that made your Mum say “there’s plenty more fish in the sea” and you’d scream “but I wanted him, I hate everyone. It’s so unfair.”


Door slam.

“Stop slamming the bloody doors.”


Mr friends with benefits

Not actually a boyfriend but that one ‘friend’ that you occasionally fell into bed with after a few too many cocktails. The one you probably had a secret crush on for years and so you put in 10/10 for effort (except that, never that) in the hope they’d wake up one morning and see that you’re the love of their life. Unlikely if you wake up looking like Worzel Gummidge on a bad hair day. He’s happy getting his rocks off and you’ll do.

Mr Nice

The guy who can’t do enough for you, buys you endless flowers, teddy bears and chips on his way home from work but if you’re anything like me and don’t have a romantic bone in your body then it will start to grate after a while. You face the task of telling the poor sod that it’s not him it’s you. You’re not ready for a relationship blah, blah and feel like the world’s biggest bitch.


Mr should have been

He asked you out, you said no because he has a crap curtains haircut or something and by the time you realise that actually you fancied him all along, he’s seeing someone else (cow) you finally give up on him dumping her and find someone else only to find him single again and so it goes on. Maybe you ended up with him, maybe you didn’t.

Mr out of your league and a bit of a twat 

He’s in a cool band, he’s all piercings, tattoos and awesome hair. Women throw their knickers at him. You can’t believe he’s chosen you to go out with. It’s great. Until you start to hear the rumours about him seeing other girls and him even parading them in front of you like you’d clap and say “good show,old bean”. One day when you see through the pretty face you’ll realise he was pretty much an arsehole all along.


Mr only after one thing

He took you to the cinema or for a nice meal (probably to Pizza Hut but we’ll let that slide) he’s walked you home, he goes for the kiss then it all goes a bit Pete Tong. He suddenly turns into a frigging octopus. Slimy…erm…tentacles all over the place. A few slaps later and he’s all offended. He bought you an extra bowl of onion rings for God’s sake. Surely he should get something in return? Sod off mate and don’t come back.

Mr I can’t tell the truth to save my life

He’s a natural born liar. He’s not just economical with the truth, he tells massive whoppers. He tells you on the phone he’s out having a ‘messy’ night with the lads when you can quite blatantly hear the Eastenders theme tune in the background. He says he can’t come over because he’s broken his leg playing football but 3 days later he turns up with sod all wrong with his leg. He’s visited Mars and his aunt is Lady Gaga. Bloody weirdo.

How many of these have you met? Any others you could add?


4 thoughts on “Various Vacant Valentine’s

  1. Haha totally relate to this! There’s always been a grey line between friends with benefits and Mr too nice in my life and I’m not proud of it 😉


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