Over the years I’ve come across many of lifes, um…lovely people. You know the type, the ones who make your eyes roll so hard they fall out and you have to chase them up the road but you can’t see though can you so you trip over your own daps and headbutt a dog poo bin. Here are some of the particularly knobby ones I’ve attracted recently.
• Mcdonalds Chav Crew – look, I’m 40 now. Which is old as fudge, meaning gangs of lairy cross body bagged teens are a bit intimidatey (nope don’t care it’s not a word) when you’re fighting your way through the purple grape vape fog just to get a poxy Happy Meal. Not to be confused with the kids who sit having a chat with their mates, I’m talking about the ones where 1 kid is ALWAYS on a bike, 1 uses the c word every other and there’s 2 laughing about their latest fight and how they kicked Callum’s head right in while fist bumping.
• People who sit right up your arse staring at you whilst waiting for your parking space. Go away. Drive round the block. Drive over the moon. Just stop making me anxious with your beady eyes popping out of your Audi with it’s lovely parking sensors that I don’t have.
• People who start a sentence with “I know it’s not your fault love but…” no but we all know you’re gonna shout at me like it is aren’t you Linda? Not listen to a word I have to say and then demand a manager. Who will tell you the same thing only you’ll smile sweetly at them cos I’m the monkey they’re the organ grinder blah blah.
• EBayers who buy it now and then well…don’t. Now when I’m bidding on something it’s because I have the money in place to do so and I want the item. Twice recently I’ve had dealings with Ebay wankers. The first one bought an item then proceeded to send me 10 messages, 1 after the other about said item. Why would you not ask the questions beforehand?! Even then 10 messages about 1 pigging handbag is a little overboard my love.
• 2nd Ebay wanker bought an item on Buy It Now and then nothing. I waited a week. Maybe they were that desperate for a pair of Next boots they were willing to take the risk of some shitty messages. So after a week I was lovely and said “Hiya, do you still want the boots?” and got naff all response so then a week later I wrote “Oi, dickhead do you want these sodding boots or what?!!!!” and then promptly deleted it and said “can you please let me know or I’m afraid I’ll have to open a non payment case” they didn’t pay. I told on them. They got the cane 20 times across the bottom and I’ve still got the boots. Bloody hell.
• People who stand waaaay closer than necessary to talk to you. So close in fact you can not only smell the Greggs pasty they had for lunch you can differentiate which one. Have you ever noticed that on occasion corned beef pasties smell suspiciously like B.O? No? Just me then. No, no I don’t mean I smell of B.O I just think the pasties do. Oh forget it.
So come on, make me laugh with your best knobhead stories!