Now that the summer holidays are over you may be looking back on them in fondness or rubbing your mucky little hands with glee that the bastards are finally over. For some it’s a childcare logistical nightmare and for some it’s lazy mornings and more crafts than you can shake a lavender scented lollipop stick at.
The summer holidays, the minute they start is the minute they turn into a cow (stay with me) and grow 4 stomachs. How bloody much food can they put away?! 2 of those stomachs are dedicated for snack reserves and the second they begin to empty their alarm sounds…out through their gob. If it’s not reset quick sharp the incessant wailing can go on for hours. Grazing is the order of the day but it’ll be anything but green.
There you are minding your own business sat on the settee, hiding behind your best cushion, scoffing a mini pack of chocolate buttons found at the back of a cupboard bathed in a golden glow, when all of a sudden, the door is rammed open, smashing a hole in the wall causing you to shout “Alexa, add a fuckton of filler to my shopping list’ your buttons fly through the air in fright and you hear the dulcet tones of a kid screeching “Muuuuuuuuummmmmmmm” followed by a tirade of explanations as to what’s been going on, usually wildly different from each sibling. Elbows are getting thrown around and the theatrics are worthy of the most seasoned footballer.
Ranging from “he looked at me” to “she hit me on the head with a bucket” ‘what bloody bucket?’ You’ll think. ‘We don’t even HAVE a bucket!’ Only for it to turn out to be 2 inches high and an abandoned remnant from an old Dora the Explorer playset. Kids, they will never cease to amaze you at the fights they can pick out of thin air (which is soon to be blue.)
Caught between the need to constantly amuse them to stop them scrapping and wanting to tell them to bugger off and play, just for 5 minutes, you’ll find yourself making up elaborate things to do and immediately regretting them. Chalk traipsed across your living room carpet from the patio, days out that the kids do nothing but snottily snivel at and kids off their tits on sugar from the 12 different icecream sauces they chose on their 99. That icecream van man chuckling away to himself as he ‘Popeye the Sailor Man’s’ his way out of your estate.
Let them watch a few hours of TV or iPad and die of the shame of bad parenting or give in to the demands to make slime and die from the horrific mess mashed into your favourite rug. As the weeks roll on you find yourself saying ‘no’ an awful lot less and more ‘go on then’s’ just because the fucks have completely run out and buggered off to Barbados for a well earned break.
I asked my lovely Facebook page followers what their most used sentence has been during the holidays and these were the answers they gave. Do you recognise yourself in any of them? Do you have another one to add?
- Please stop screaming!
- Will you two stop bickering and that’s to my partner and our daughter!
- Pee pee toilet not on the stairs!
- You have just eaten and want another snack?!
- Will you two stop arguing!
- Roll on 4th & 5th September!
- Get that out of your mouth!
- No I’m not buying you more toys.
- “For goodness sake, what now?”
- “Are you listening to me?”
- What are we doing tomorrow?
- Move away from your brother / move away from your sister. Go to your room, oh my god why’s the floor wet? Is that juice? (Find broken plastic cup) damn.
- If the boys 2 weeks off work count (factorys summer shut down) it would be Muuuuuuuum, can I borrow some money…
- I cant do this anymore 😵
- No more food!