Now anyone who comes to read my nonsense knows that I just cannot take anything seriously, so whilst this is a true story I have put a humerus (see what I did there 😉) spin on it for your benefit and mine. It wasn’t funny at the time but if I teach my kids anything it will be to take things with a touch of humour, always be able to laugh and I will ALWAYS be there for them no matter what.
The Broken Arm
There was once a Mum, a Mum who was busy fannying about the house one Monday evening. Getting school stuff ready for the next morning, telling her other half to piss off as he grabbed her arse while she bent over to fight with the washing machine that kind of thing. When suddenly her phone started to ring. It was her eldest son. ‘God, I hope he doesn’t want a lift, I look like a sack of shit sprinkled with sugar’ she thought.
“What are you after this time?” she asked bemused. Only it wasn’t a male voice that came back. It was a woman. “Oh hi, I don’t want you to worry but (we’ll call him Lawrence) Lawrence has been hit by a car” at this point Mum’s arsehole opened and the contents of her entire body fell out. “Jesus Christ, are you serious?” she screeched so high the neighbours dog howled in pain. “He’s ok but you need to come as soon as possible!” said the concerned woman. “I’m on my way!” scrouted (screech shouted) Mum.
At this point Mum’s brain got up and left the building in a state of horock (horror shock). Blindly grabbing things as she went, she quickly got her shit together and got in the car. Driving to the scene her heart pounded like a hungry toddlers cutlery on a highchair as she saw the first flashes of blue. She pulled up to be met with a sea of teenage boy faces awkwardly shuffling around and the woman who had made the phonecall. The group parted to reveal Lawrence sat on the floor holding his right arm. She established that he had gone over the bonnet of a car whilst trying to cross the road.
“God, are you ok?” Mum panied (panic cried) Lawrence just looked at her and in the way that Mum’s do, she knew that he wasn’t. Moments later an ambulance arrived (I know -Mum was shocked too!) and in Mum and Lawrence got. Two paramedics went through the motions of what had happened and tried to remove Lawrence’s coat. “Oh fuuuu…luffy bunnies!” Lawrence paispered (pain whispered) as he begged them not to cut his extremely expensive Northface puffa. After checking his vitals they agreed it was off to the hospital for him. As Mum got out of the ambulance to get back in her car she was greeted by Officer Bushy Beard who said he would also follow on and meet them at the hospital.
Mum got back in her car, just about keeping a lid on it until it occured to her that she was blocked in by the stupid bastard who’d parked in front of her and the ambulance behind. Opening the window she shouted out “who’s sodding car is that?” only for a yellow jacketed, traffic diverting police officer to turn, raise an eyebrow and say “actually, I think you’ll find that’s mine!” “Oh bollocks”, she muttered to herself as she started the engine and the petrol light promptly came on.
She followed the ambulance and police car down to the local hospital. Over the speed bumps they went and she knew Lawrence would be gritting his teeth in pain as they hit each and every one and she just hoped he wouldn’t use the c word. She prayed to the God of Carparks (Tarmacius) as she got to the hospital that there were would be somewhere to park and to her utter disbelief there was a space.
She did her signature wobble bottom penguin walk to A&E and as she got there Lawrence was being turfed out of the ambulance into a wheelchair and out of the corner of her eye she could see Officer Bushy Beard strolling towards her with a giant Teddy Bear. She resisted the urge to say “you shouldn’t have!” as he neared her as she could tell he was the type to not find it funny. At all. He disappeared with the Teddy Bear which had a look of fear in it’s eye and quickly reappeared empty handed. To this day no one knows what happened to the Teddy Bear, is he wandering lonely around abandoned parts of the hospital never knowing whether he will again be paired with Mrs Teddy?. (Actually it was handed in to reception but that doesn’t make for an exciting story does it?!)
They were shown into A&E Majors where they triaged Lawrence and tried to make him more comfortable. This is when Officer Bushy Beard decided to make his move and interrogate Lawrence. He fired out question after question as Lawrence shivered in his flimsy t-shirt. Mum had to step in and take over as she thought Officer Bushy Beard was a bit of a tw…isty character. Whilst she understood he had a job to do, scaring Lawrence with stories of how he may get sued by the owner of the car that hit him seemed a bit ridiculous at that particular moment in time.
They were sent to wait in A&E to await X-Rays to see if his arm was broken alongside:
- A guy whose face had come up in an allergic reaction a la Will Smith in Hitch.
- A woman who everyone felt like putting in A&E if she hadn’t already been there for bitching and moaning the whole time at the nurses about the wait.
- A woman who passed out and spectacularly face planted the floor and nurses came running from cracks in the walls everywhere, waitees were split down the middle, some (including Mum and Lawrence) who averted their eyes and stared at the ‘don’t share dirty daps’ poster and the other nosey fuckers who thought it apt to stare at everything that happened.
- A guy who was a bit, ok, VERY worse for wear and had obviously been involved in a punch up of some description as his nose was pointing the wong way and there was blood everywhere. He tried to explain to the nurse where the pain was and it struck Mum as odd that he would be scrapping with someone whilst wearing zip up tartan booty slippers.
Some 15 hours later Mum and Lawrence were to find out that he had indeed broken his arm, the humerus to be precise and little did they know it at the time it would take a whole 12 weeks to heal. “That little shit!” she thought.
You may also like my other Story Time posts: