Well he’s a nice looking fella! mused Juliette over her Malibu and Coke, absentmindedly ramming the paper umbrella up her nostril and trying to cover it by leaning over to check her left sandal before realising that was giving everyone a birds eye view of her Wonderbra clad chest, ordinarily she wouldn’t be that bothered only she was sure the old guy in the corner who’d given her a wink was her Dad’s works Santa and not so many years previous she’d sat on his lap and asked for Sindy with a pony. She shuddered at the thought and did her best shimmy past the NLF at the bar, desperately trying to portray Marilyn Monroe and not Miss Piggy in this ridiculous outfit (if you could call it that) and these ridiculous shoes that made her walk like she’d shit herself twice over.
Back in the safety of the company of Donna her mate, who had seen all and was practically wetting herself in glee all over the red plush seating , she sighed and moaned, “I’ll never get a fella, I’m too dippy!” “Oh, get over yourself!” laughed Donna, “there’s someone out there for everyone, even you! See” just as NLF sidled up to her and offered to buy her a drink. “Shut up!” rage whispered Juliette through gritted teeth as Donna snort laughed into her lager n lime.
NLF seemed indeed very nice. He was funny, sweet and VERY nice to look at and despite not being something she would normally entertain she invited him back to the shared flat to ahem carry on the party. Donna raised her eyebrows skywards but never said a word (it was a never seen before miracle) and led the way to the mile long taxi rank queue where all around them drunk people simultaneously froze solid and stuck their faces into kebabs. Juliette had never herself partaken in a kebab since she’d seen a day old one congealed on the side of the sofa at a party she’d found herself at that one time, she could have sworn it moved of it’s own accord but she grabbed her daps and legged it not wanting to find out what happened next, plus she’d been a veggie since that documentary she’d watched through her fingers in the mid 90’s.
As the vodka was finished and the party wound down, stragglers made their way out or fell asleep where they sat. Finally Juliette heaved her drunken bum up to bed closely followed by a tipsy NLF. Juliette hoped she wouldn’t accidentally fart in his face, those bean burgers tasted amazing but good grief they made some funny sounds. They stumbled blindly around in the dark removing clothing, at one stage NLF tried to remove his jeans before his shoes so he was stuck in that unfortunate can’t get it back on and get can’t off either position, Juliette was bent over in the half light legs akimbo thinking this wasn’t the sexy evening she had envisioned whilst trying to remove his leg from it’s denim prison like a particularly awkward sausage skin. As freedom commenced she caught a whiff of foot and thanked the god of all that is holy that she didn’t have a foot fetish.
Things got a bit erm heated and Juliette was putting in the best performance of her life. She did like to be top dog and as she looked down upon the situation she could see NLF was enjoying himself. As they got to the finale however Juliette heard something strange, she could have sworn she’d heard a yeehaw but she must have been way more pissed than she’d thought, probably shouldn’t have had that last glass of cheap vermouth. Hang on, there it was again, yeehaw, ride me cowgirl. Where on earth was it coming from? Was she hallucinating? Had someone slipped something in her drink? A very loud “YEEHAWWWWWWWWW” woke Juliette from her daydream and she realised it was coming from within the room and NLF was trying to unmount her from the saddle. Christ Almighty it was him! He was saying those weird horsey things! She stuffed her face into her pillow and tried not to laugh even those she was sure she could hear guffaws of laughter from the room next door. Can’t have been she giggled to herself and promptly fell into a drunken stupor.
The next morning she made her excuses and shoved horseboy out the door with a fake phone number and promises of a drink sometime before turning round to find Donna whinnying and cantering round the kitchen. “Oh god it was you laughing wasn’t it?” asked Juliette. “I have neigh idea what you mean but next time could you get him to rein it in a bit, I thought I was listening to the Grand National and I didn’t know who to back!” laughed Donna. “So, is it a stable relationship or was he a one trick pony?” at that Juliette lobbed a handle of cornflakes at Donna and hoofed it back upstairs to sleep off the shame.